Locked Into Healing, Revisited

In my previous post about being "forced" into a healing position, I was left an intriguing comment by Leafshine.

I think people sometimes get pigeon-holed as healers. They just get used to you, the player, being a healer, and assume you won't mind taking that role.

I took this, and a lot of other commenters in mind, when I tried to join groups and look for PUGs the past few weeks since writing the article, to see what happened. I monitored others' reactions and requests, as well as my own, to gauge the situation. A lot happened over that time period to give me plenty to think about.

Certain situations spring to my mind rather quickly. I was whispered to join a ToC 10, and was asked "which of your healers do you want to bring?" It wasn't "which of your characters" it was healers. This person was aware I had a hunter, but that wasn't what they wanted. When I joined the group on Bellbell (because Bellwether needs nothing that doesn't drop off of a Hardmode ToC 25), it was empty of anyone but him, me, and another healer, so it wasn't just a case of needing a healer.

Another raid was an Onyxia 25 in which I had finally been invited as Retribution DPS. Some guild members were tanking and DPSing, but it was mostly PUG. And then it is revealed...we have only four healers. All PUGs.

I should have kept my mouth shut. I shouldn't have asked "just four healers?" I should have just kept going as DPS. But I didn't. I said "just four healers?" and immediately my guildmates frantically requested in guild chat, in the spirit of not wiping, for me to switch. Of course, I caved in with much grumbling and sourness of mood. And we downed her first try, I "won" healing meters by a wide margin, and I died inside a bit.

Following that we went to ToC 25, and I was invited along as a hunter. With no pressure on me, with no one requesting it, I ended up switching to Bellwether to heal the instance because we couldn't find other healers. We just couldn't keep more than four online, and I switched. And again, I did 10-15% more healing than any other healer there. The one following most closely was a guild member's alt who had just hit 80 with an ilevel 175 blue mace.

When I finally got into an Onyxia 25 on my Hunter, I was excited. Finally, I have my DPS in a PUG raid. And then, as the fight progressed, I felt...helpless. Unable to account for anyone else's fate but my own and my pet's, I felt like I couldn't save the raid. I couldn't keep the tank alive, I had no cooldowns, no panic buttons. Not for anyone but me. I felt...isolated. Even with me coming in the top 3 of both DPS and Damage Done, I felt like I was less of an important piece than if I had come on one of my healers. I looked at the dead and wondered "could I have saved them?"

I did note with pride that I was in the top three of Damage Done and DPS. Even though there was no Ret Paladin in group, so the raid received my Ferocious Inspiration buff, I felt singular and replaceable.

Then, in a VoA 25, we downed both Koralon and Archavon. Yet, we wiped twice on Emalon before I left. Switching was slow to the Overcharged, and with several people (Warlocks, even!) doing 1k DPS, they weren't killed fast enough. And though I hit every cooldown I could and topped both Damage Done and DPS charts, I couldn't cover for those slacking people. When someone has low HPS or Healing Done, I can cover for them. I can pick up the slack and throw out heals left and right. But I can't push someone else's DPS, even when I'm hitting 5k+ myself.

So, what is really locking me into the healing role?

Well, one could argue its my environment. People expect me to heal. They know I'm a good healer. They want me to heal because not having good healers can cripple a raid in a most obvious and drastic way. I feel pressured to be that healer, to make the run go smoothly. What happens if I don't switch, and there's a wipe from insufficient healing? Is that, indirectly, my fault?

But, there is definitely blame lying squarely on my shoulders. That ToC 25 I was in on my hunter? No one asked me to switch. They told me I didn't have to. But I did anyway, even though my Hunter is the one who really needs the badges and Trophies, so my boyfriend's Shadow Priest could come in the raid and so we didn't have to wait for healers through the disconnects and random leaving due to impatience.

I still heal because I enjoy it, certainly. It is fun and dynamic and involved. But I also heal because it's what's expected of me. I heal because it often gives me more control over the outcome of the raid. I heal because it takes less time than trying to PUG a healer. I heal because I don't trust PUG healers. I heal because it makes me feel useful. I heal because I want others' runs to go smoothly.

While it might be easy to blame others for pushing me into this position, it wouldn't be fair to deny the role I've played in locking myself into healing.

Play Like a Girl?

Many of you know I have a Hunter. She's a female Dwarf named Sugarcake, and her pets are all named similarly silly things, like Sprinkles, Cinnamon, Gumdrop, etc. It is very, very (speaking in stereotypes) girly. Extremely girly. Like, Princess Lollipopsparklelips girly.

At first, I was kind of...well, kind of leery about the name. I honestly don't like attention focusing on my gender. Unless I know the people (like my guild or friends) and know they are joking around, it just serves to make me uncomfortable and awkward. I don't mind people knowing I'm female, just them making it into some sort of big deal or focus of conversation. Of course, writing an entire blog post about the subject undermines the idea that I dislike attention focusing on it, but I am able to disable that to explore something that intrigues me.

For example, a ToC 25 in which I was healing on Bellwether, my first comment in Vent brought about "cute" comments and "OMG A GIRL." Seriously, guys. Cut it out. Maybe pay attention to healing so I'm not doing 20-30% of overall healing done? Maybe? (I am not kidding about this).

The thing is, when I'm not in Vent, I'm automatically assumed to be a guy. Bellwether is perhaps somewhat neutral, but Bellbell and Sugarcake? Those are pretty cutesy names. I've seen a few guys with humorously cutesy names, but it's pretty rare. So what, then, is it that causes my characters to automatically be filed into the "male" category?

First and most obvious would probably be the prevalence of male players to female. Though there is not a huge, impassable gap, characters tend to be controlled by males more than females. At its end, I was the only raiding female in Vigilant, and one of three or so in the guild. We're by no means an endangered species, but we're certainly the less likely variety.

Next would be some stereotypical expectations of female players. One such expectation is us needing our hands held through everything. We will be bad. We will be low on DPS (LOL GURLS DONT DPS LOL). We won't be able to keep up. We will need special attention because we just don't know what's going on. Since I've been in a top raiding guild, and done very well for myself, the above doesn't apply. In fact, I am often the one leading the raid or group. I am the one giving the explanations and assignments. I am obviously not the princess-in-another-castle waiting for my plumber boyfriend to map warp his way to me.

Another expectation is in the way girls communicate. I know some of you have been in raids with sugar-sweet hyperactive flirty girls who punctuate every sentence with some word like "cute" "cutie" "sweetie" "<3" ";)" etc. They flirt with any player willing to respond (and some unwilling), whether they know them or not, and make any excuse to "pout" or inject sexual innuendo. Yeah. You all know what I'm talking about. In small doses or with friends and guildmembers, sure, that's cool. Everyone likes to be a little silly/flirty at times. But it's those who make it into their entire personality and force it upon strangers, who take a huge flashing sign and say "AMG I R A GURL PAY ATTENSHUN" that make me twitch. Gender does not make you special.

Like one of my previous, previous guildmates who alternates between acting like a concerned, condescending mother and an overly-flirty 13 year old, who dances naked/scantily clad at the South Bank and makes exaggerated squealing noises over anything "cute." While, you know, hitting on everyone and everything with two-handed weapon specialization. She also can't do anything wrong, is easy to upset, and likes to play damsel in distress. At the very least, she is a decent healer.

I don't act like that (I hope I don't act like that!). And thus Sugarcake and Bellbell and Bellwether are assumed male until proven guilty. It's odd to me, to realize my concerns about possibly being discriminated against because of my name (or even harassed, which has happened before with people who knew my gender) were completely irrelevant, because I don't "play like a girl." It's at both times a welcome relief and a concerning realization.

Locked into Healing

I've come across this dilemma with Bellbell time and time again. I levelled her to be Ret. But she is, most definitely, Holy.

The problem started as soon as I got to 80. It was just easier to get groups as a Holy Paladin, so that's what I did. It was easier to get raids started if I chose to heal, it was easier to be involved in anything. So, in order to get things done, I continually switched to her Holy spec.

Well, common loot rules being what they are, your main spec is what you're raiding as, and those upgrades for the DPS set take a while to accumulate. It eventually came to pass that while her Holy set was nearly all ToC 10 and 25 gear, she was still wearing a blue hit trinket and Ebon Blade reputation boots, and a tournament badge sword.

I finally bought her two pieces of badge-only T9 ret gear...and she's never had an occasion to use it. In fact, it's almost like clockwork; as soon as I equip her Ret gear and switch to her Ret spec, a friend needs a healer. It's come to the point where I only play her to help other people (thus the lack of Bellbell-flavored posts).

Now, another Paladin in my guild has the exact opposite problem. He's been running only as Ret because that's the only gear set he has (he apparently didn't do what I did and save up every random piece of offset gear while levelling), but all he wants to do is tank or heal. So while he's sitting with the sword off of Onyxia bemoaning his lack of a healing trinket, I'm silently sending envy waves at him.

It seems like dual spec didn't really change anything for me, besides not having to pay for Bellwether's respecs to PvP. It made Bellbell's situation worse, because eventually to do the content I wanted to do, I had to play her "secondary" spec. I don't have the time to continually farm for her to keep her DPS spec up to snuff, and the fact that healers are always in demand and plate DPS is everywhere, there's just nowhere for her to fit in.

For example, the ToC 25 I ran on Saturday? Along the lines of three or four ret paladins, two warriors, and three or four DKs. Completely detrimental to the group for me to say "Screw healing, I'm going to overload our melee even more."

Well, who cares? Tell one of the other Paladins to switch and get your Ret on.

For one, I'm not a jerk. I'm not going to say "one of you respec just for me so I can bring in my eclectically geared ret paladin." The other paladins have tank offspecs, and we have plenty of (sometimes too many) tanks for my alt ToC 25 run.

For another, it gets groups together, and faster. I don't know how many times groups have fallen apart because we couldn't find a healer. Eventually, even if I'm in a PUG, I'll have to admit that I can switch to healing after we sit in LFG for half an hour with no bites. I don't have time to sit around in a LFG channel; with all the other things going on in my life, if I'm going to run something I need it to start quickly.

There's also healer guilt. "We wouldn't be sitting in LFG if I just switched to healing." "Time is wasting because I want to DPS." "They just need a healer...I suppose I can do it." "If I switch to my healer then maybe the tanks won't die."

It's not that I don't like healing. If I didn't enjoy it, I wouldn't have kept the spec. It's that it's not what my character was supposed to do. It was just for me to experiment with other types of healing. But I made a mistake at level 80, and even with the gear I have for Ret, if Bellbell ever sees Arthas, it will be wearing the wrong kind of dress.