A Beginner's Guide to the WoW Forums

The following post has a large volume of both inappropriate language and sarcasm (with a hint of irony) based upon observation. If you cannot stomach vulgarities or are unable to properly detect said sarcasm (with a hint of irony), this post is not for you. And, yes, this is also on my realm forums. Which are slow and down. But if you feel you must track it down, do me a favor and don't respond to any trolls. Thanks!

A. A troll is someone who either strives to entertain or create drama, or both. New trolls appear every few weeks to every few months, depending on the activity in the forum. Some will have a weird, “unique” schtick; these are hit or miss. If a troll can keep them up for about a month, then they’re there to stay, barring account cancellations/bannings. Often trolls will not have signatures, or, if they do, never post on the forums on their main. Very few trolls actually are open about who they are. If they are open about it, they’re generally considered just NERD RAGErs, forum nerds, attention whores or simply forum residents. The best trolls become forum icons.

B. People who are assholes on the forums can often be nice in-game and in real life. However, it is perfectly acceptable to dislike/hate them for their forum persona without considering the person behind the character, just as it is perfectly acceptable for them to be assholes to people they don’t know without considering the person behind that character. This is only applicable to people you do not know and like personally, because obviously when you know the person acting like an asshole, you recognize that they’re just joking.

C. The easiest attacks on a person involve things which are difficult to prove, yet are somehow hurtful and incite anger. These include anything sexual (in a negative light), gender stereotypes, profession, weight, the quality of their life, how often they see the sun, and whether they have moved out of their parents’ residence. These attacks can herald one of a few things:

1) The subject of the attack has no other failings, so the attacker must resort to the vague and obscure.
2) The attacker knows the subject personally and therefore knows these to be true. This is only accepted if there is evidence to back up the information.
3) The attacker is immature or lacking in wit/intelligence, and thus knows no other response to opposition.

D. Being openly, and truly, female on the forums will invite a disproportionate amount of replies to anything they say to revolve around their appearance and sexuality, whether “negative” or “positive.” Females subjected to this and who remain on the forums travel three paths: that of the e-whore, the flirt, and the willfully ignorant.

1) The e-whore will openly flaunt herself as a sexual object due to her feeling of internet security, and her knowledge she will never be tracked down to perform all the fellatio and intercourse she has promised. The community either feeds into her need for sexual attention or detests her for being an internet slut.
2) The flirt is a milder version of the slut. She only makes sexual jokes with her friends, or a few people. She is never overtly sexual, and is simply playful. Only e-whores hate her, because she takes away from their attention.
3) The willfully ignorant glaze over all posts concerning their gender and attempt to work around them. They prefer to be gender neutral and not be classified due to their gender.

E. The above is invalidated simply by stating “there are no females on the internet.”

F. Everything on the forums revolves around who likes who, and who dislikes who. For example:

1) A pair you like who play WoW together but live very far away are in a long-distance relationship, something difficult to maintain and admirable to be involved in and be able to keep stable. However, you also know a pair in the same sort of relationship, but you dislike them. Therefore, they are e-dating, and it is sad they are so desperate for sex, and no one wants them, that they have to fly cross-country to get any.
2) Someone can be called both an “e-whore” and a “flirt” depending on who knows and likes them, regardless of their actions.
3) Someone will be good looking (or have some recovering feature) if you like them, while someone else who you dislike will be ugly and have no recovering feature. This is only invalid if the person is universally considered to be attractive, at which point someone will generally revert to tactics covered in point C.

The basic thing to remember is: people will only attack those they do not know or do not like, regardless of whether their friends or their selves are guilty of the same infractions.

G. Posting any inquiries about the server, especially with intent to transfer, will always garner negative replies unless you are transferring back, in which case it is up to your old server rep to decide. These are actually a way of weeding out those who are undesired and those who will entertain. Show yourself as witty, undeterred, and interesting, and you will be welcomed with open arms. Fail at this, however, and you will be mocked off the forums.

H. Asking for help will give you an immediate link to wowhead or thottbot, a laugh at your incompetence (real or imagined), providing false information, or adding a snide comment. If the thread lasts long enough, it will be derailed. If in the first two or three responses someone is helpful, the thread will die, unless the information is obscure or difficult to interpret. Then the thread will devolve into people correcting each other or giving more false information.

I. Making perfect, logical, irrefutable sense on the WoW forums will open you to an attack on your armory. Therefore, if you are about to post something which no one can argue against, be sure your gear is at the highest level, you either have no arena teams or your ratings are above 2000 with a class not considered OP, all your enchants are up to date, and you have a cookie-cutter spec. If all this is completely set, be prepared for cries of being carried, either by guild or arena teams, of win-trading, being a ninja, that PvE isn’t hard, or just generally being without skill. If these fail, then, again, prepare for that which is mentioned in point C.

J. Every long thread can and will be summed up by someone as tl;dr, whether they are joking or not.

K. There is never an entertaining thread on the forums. Any thread with entertainment value will be made in triplicate or more, and the novelty will vanish. However, if a truly entertaining thread is created and not duplicated to death, it will be necro’d, or resurrected from back pages, with regularity. This will, eventually, kill its entertainment value as well, at least for those who have already read the thread eight times. Also, a necro will never add any fresh new insight, and will generally just consist of “LOL.”

L. When all else fails, argue semantics. Obviously, what you mean when you say an arbitrary distinction is far more correct than anyone else’s interpretation of the same obscure and unclear labeling. If possible, find a dictionary entry to support your stance. Since citation is not required, feel free to modify it to suit your purpose.

M. Grammar and spelling work two ways: either be (close to) perfect, or be purposely awful. Anything in-between and any point you try to make will be glossed over by the fact that you do not separate your paragraphs, your commas are weird and you don’t use “your” and “you’re” properly. The proper response to these attacks will be along the lines of not knowing the official forums were an English class.

N. All forums have inside jokes. They can often be old, difficult to understand or simply weird. If you don't understand it, and attempt to use it, you will be mocked off the forums. But never ask about it, as you will be laughed off the forums, again. The rule of thumb is: if you don't understand something, don't use it, and don't ask. Figure it out yourself or leave it alone.

O. Remember, no matter how offensive, wrong, inappropriate, upsetting, insulting or vulgar someone is, you shouldn’t get upset. After all, it’s just the internet. The fact that real people are sitting behind the screen isn’t important; it’s just the internet. Anyone who gets worked up over the internet is [insert response from point C].