Thursday, December 18, 2008

Guest Post: 4 Taenkz: A completely unbiased guide to tanks in WotLK

Note: Sorry to Myze and other readers; Blogger had a hiccup and accidentally posted this in the future. I managed to remove it and re-queue it, so that may be why you've seen it twice. So sorry!

When Burning Crusade came out, Blizzard had a nice relationship with Warriors. They would go on dates, cuddle, and occasionally finish each other's sentences. Things seemed to be going well between them until Blizzard said that they wanted an open relationship, and wanted to experiment with others.

Now, naturally, this made Warriors upset, until Blizzard told them "we still need only you for the Illidan position." Well that made Warriors feel better until one night they came home early from work and found Blizzard in the Illidan position with a Paladin. "But I'll only do it if they're packing Divine Protection!" came the protests from Blizzard.

But the message was clear; Blizzard may have had intentions of monogamy with Warriors at first, but after wild parties and binges, it's doors have opened to new horizons. Debauchery at it's finest. Blizzard is now trying to seduce the clergy (Paladins,) experiment with Bestiality (Druids,) and now they are even messing with Domination (Death Knights.)

With all these tanks, how do you know which is best for your raid? Simple, it's Druids. But for the sake of argument, let's look at what the other classes have to offer, and why they aren't as cool as Druids.

Warriors are the typical, clean-cut, let's-always-do-missionary kind of class. Which is probably why Blizzard got fed up and took on more partners. They have all the core abilities you would look for in a tank, and not much else. They are fairly average in mitigation, threat, and ending the list of classes alphabetically. They are also fairly spoiled, what with Blizzard lying to their face for the past two expansions about how "cool" they are, and how they've "never had it like that before." Warriors tend to be overconfident because of this. They think they're the bomb. Well, they are _a_ bomb. Warriors are good for when you don't have a Druid. Or a Pally.

Death Knights are rather new, so I'm not too well versed on their techniques. But from their reputation, they thrive on pain. Your pain. Tired of being Arthas' personal pool boy, they have reasserted themselves as the Dom of the relationship. Just be thankful they can't use whips.

Paladins are the sensible ones. Or the overcareful ones. They always have Protection on Hand. They work well in large groups, or in more intimate settings. They are always there for you, even if they have no clue what they're really doing. You see, when Blizzard told Paladins that they were wanted, they freaked out and had about twelve midlife crises, always changing what they were doing and how they were doing it. I honestly thought it was just a phase, but it's been going on so long...

Druids are the cream of the crop. Well, I guess I shouldn't use the word "cream" given my current running metaphor. But studies have shown that Druids are faster, smarter, stronger, and more well-endowed than their tanking brethren. They are studlier or foxier, wherever appropriate. And this is why Blizzard loves them so. Blizzard said, "We'll give you more health and mitigation than any other!" And so it was done. And next patch, we get even more mitigation! Unless you use stupid armor trinkets. Short story, if you need something tanked, call a Druid. They always hit the spot. And it's not the same spot lemonade hits on a hot day.

It's the g-spot.

Leader of the Pack


Flawlless said...

This was the best thing that's hit my eyes all week. Thank you.

Morane said...

LMAO, and I've only read the first two paragraphs.

Ratshag said...

I don't speak fer other warriors, but I's never had an issue with open relationshipifications.

Phil Jackson said...

Really funny stuff.

krizzlybear said...


good thing i haven't had my coffee yet. it would have gone right through my nose.

Anglachel said...

pfffft... we warriors still know how to push the best (oh sh*t!) buttons. Plus, we can literally (shield) slap you silly

Plus, we are clearly the most virile class... just look at Ratshag...